I discovered two weeks ago that it is easier to let go of anger, if you can find a way to replace it with gratitude.
Some background: I’d been told many times that keeping a gratitude journal is helpful. So many self-help guru types encourage you to cultivate gratitude. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Tried it. It’s not a magic cure. You can’t just go through the motions. And the problem was probably that I didn’t really feel it. I was just doing it because I was told to.
Two weeks ago, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was prepared to be angry. My partner was on the call and he was ready to intervene if I went off on her. I had every reason to be angry. As recently as March of this year, she had me on 10 mental health meds!!! TEN!! By the end of September, I was down to 4!! I started titrating off various meds in March. My motivation was the conclusion that they were causing me a range of awful, debilitating side effects. Another motivation was the decision in July to have my brain surgery. I wanted to be on as few meds as possible, because I knew of would be difficult to get the hospital to keep up with my regimen if it was too complicated.
(And I am still decreasing meds! Lowered 2 med doses in the last week.)
I was incredibly over medicated. And my mental function was incredibly impaired. I wasn’t myself on that many meds. And most of them interacted with each other, thus amplifying the effects 😡😡
Again, every reason to be angry!!!
And instead, when I saw her face, I saw how much she cared, how much she really wanted to help her patients. Yes, she absolutely caused me harm!!! And yet in that moment, I found things to be grateful for.
It was thanks to her advocacy and belief that I must have something else going on besides my mental health, that she got me in to see a neurologist in early December 2023. And that neurologist thought my symptoms were psychiatric, but she said I could get a brain MRI if I wanted. I said I did!!! And so that’s how I got the brain MRI in late December 2023 that found my meningioma.
So it’s thanks to my psychiatrist that we found it so early!!!
I am working on holding 2 things to be true at once. This person could have both caused me harm and also given me a great gift. And I’ve realized that I have a choice where I focus my attention: The harm or the gift.
In that session with my psychiatrist, I spontaneously made the choice to focus on the gift and it felt wonderful. It felt grounding and nurturing in a way that the anger never did and never could. Anger can often be justified and is a valid and real emotion. But anger, when it is allowed to fester and simmer and stick around, causes me more harm. Anger by itself without action does nothing to help the situation. Anger needs to be transformed into wisdom, and then with wisdom we can act in a way that will ameliorate the situation. And eventually as I work to let go of the anger, I can hope that it will be replaced with love. That experience of gratitude instead of anger was the first step.
Wishing all of you a day of peace and love.
May all beings give and receive love and compassion. 💜
Source for anger to wisdom:
Lovingkindness a book by Sharon Salzberg
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