Today marks exactly three years since I started taking three times per day valium. On Thursday, September 14, 2023, I started at 20 mg per day (5 mg in the morning, 7.5 mg in the late afternoon, 7.5 mg before bed). Just one week later, I was down to 15 mg (5 mg three times per day) because my reaction to it was SO BAD. Rather than helping my anxiety, the valium caused me out of control anxiety. Unfortunately I couldn’t just stop taking it, because I had already been on daily benzos for 12 prior months. It’s considered dangerous to suddenly stop benzos. One of the commonly stated concerns is a risk of seizures. And of course there’s also severe withdrawal.
So I’ve spent the past 3 years working to titrate off this poison. On September 4, I reached a milestone: I am on my way to eliminating my middle dose of valium!! That’s why I titled this post “Quest Unlocked!” I’m on the path to get rid of one dose!! (Quest is a gaming reference. My loving partner loves role playing games, so the title is a nod to him! 💜)
If all goes as planned, I should be down to just two doses of valium per day by the end of October. That will be the first time in 4 years that I will be taking less than 3 doses of a benzo per day!! Words are inadequate to describe just how awful it feels to be tethered to what you know is harming your body, and yet you have to take it to avoid severe withdrawal. The doses I’ve been at this year have not been causing me harm, so I no longer feel so angry and resentful every time I have to take a dose. It is an awful feeling to be in an ongoing relationship with a medication that has always caused you harm.
For anyone reading this who doesn’t fully understand, and is thinking, “why don’t you just stop?” The withdrawal symptoms are so severe if I go down too quickly that I absolutely wanted to die the last time I had severe withdrawal. I took 5 months off from titrating off valium in 2024 because the withdrawal symptoms were so traumatizing. I may be able to one day write about it more, that day is not today.
My goal is to one day share my story with prescribers so they understand the negative effects of overprescribing psychoactive drugs. We already know about the dangers of opioid overprescribing. I haven’t seen any massive public outrage about mental health meds. Part of the problem is that people with mental health issues are not considered reliable witnesses to their own lives. We are frequently not believed. Doctors and other health care providers have a lot of power over us. We need them for our medications. So we believe them when they suggest meds. When they convince us a new med might work, we can’t argue too much because we are dependent on them to get the meds (drugs) we’re physically dependent on.
I don’t have an upbeat ending to this post. I meant this to be a triumphant post about being in the homestretch and seeing an end in sight!
Today was another valium drop. I dropped my 6 pm dose from 0.40 mL liquid to 0.35 mL liquid valium. My grand total is now 1.35 mg of valium! I was at 20 mg exactly three years ago!
Song I’m feeling:
“Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.
Featuring Ray Dalton. Pay attention at 1 min 30 seconds as Dalton sings the chorus!
“This is the moment
Tonight is the night, we’ll fight ’til it’s over
So we put our hands up
Like the ceiling can’t hold us”
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